There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.