The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Men are as faithful as their options.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.