I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
No good deed goes unpunished.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.