Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.