A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.