There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.