Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?