If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.