A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!