Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.