My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.