I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.