Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.