Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.