It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion