I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.