Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.