Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.