If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
Men are as faithful as their options.
I drink to make other people more interesting.