Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.