I will not join any club who will take me as a member
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.