I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.