We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.