My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.