If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I'm single because I was born that way.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.