I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.