I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.