Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.