Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I'm single because I was born that way.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.