An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.