I'm single because I was born that way.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
No good deed goes unpunished.