I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.