Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.