I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I'm single because I was born that way.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.