There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.