Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.