A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Sex is an emotion in motion.