I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.