God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.