He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.