Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?