Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!