You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.