I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.