I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down