Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.