He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.