I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.