A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps