Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.