If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.