I'm single because I was born that way.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.