An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.