No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!