Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.