Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.