Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.