The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.