Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
I'm single because I was born that way.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
No good deed goes unpunished.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.