Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.