If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.