I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.