Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

No good deed goes unpunished.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.