Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.