The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.