Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
I'm single because I was born that way.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ