Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.