At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.