I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.