I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity