I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.