My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.