A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.