I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Women are made to be loved not understood.