No good deed goes unpunished.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down