The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.