Cynicism is humour in ill health.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.