You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.