If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
