At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
No good deed goes unpunished.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.