I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.