I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
