If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
