In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.