When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.