Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.