If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.