Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.