Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.