The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…