If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.