The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.