There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.