A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?