You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Sex is an emotion in motion.