He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.