He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Men are as faithful as their options.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.