I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.