I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Men are as faithful as their options.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.