Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
No good deed goes unpunished.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.