There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.