There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.