I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
No good deed goes unpunished.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.