If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Men are as faithful as their options.