The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
No good deed goes unpunished.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.