A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.