You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.