I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!