I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.