Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.