I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.