If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.