Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.