When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.