Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.