My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.