I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?