If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.