All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.