I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

No good deed goes unpunished.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.