I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.