I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.