I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.