I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.