Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.