Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.