Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.