And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
I drink to make other people more interesting.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!