I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.