I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.