If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.