I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.