You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.