Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.