If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.