Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.