I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.