Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.