My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.