Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.