Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.