He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.