I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.