Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.