He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.