He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.