I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.