I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.