Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.