If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.