Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.