He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.