I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I'm single because I was born that way.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I drink to make other people more interesting.