I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.