I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

No good deed goes unpunished.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.