There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.