I'm single because I was born that way.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.