Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.