I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.