A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Women are made to be loved not understood.