If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.