I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.