He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.