A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.